Tips for Hard Times and Healing

While I won't dwell on the recent passing on my son (you can learn more at www.ColbyKeegan.info) I have learned some things in grief counseling that I think will apply to anyone who is going through a tough time or who has a major decision to make.
1. When in doubt, write it out. Most things become clearer when you see them in black and white.
2. Be kind to yourself. We get so busy being nice to others that we forget to be nice to ourselves.
3. After a life changing event such as a divorce, job relocation, death, or serious illness, try to postpone decisions on other big events for at least one year.
4. Sleep is far more important for our health and well being than we ever imagined.
5. It's okay to cry.
6. Horses are a great indicator of how you are doing. If they relate to you normally, you are doing well.

Horses (and dogs), know when their human friends are on an emotional roller coaster, and they can be a wonderful touchstone regarding your mental health. But if you are overly emotional, you might want to think about staying away from your equine partners until you are on a more even keel. We spend a lot of time establishing trust, confidence and respect with our horses and just one emotional outburst can take away all your hard work.

Remember that dogs and humans are predators, and horses are prey. There is a fundamental difference in the two mindsets. A horse needs to know you are capable of leading him or her away from danger, if the need arises. A dog will put their life on the line for you in the blink of an eye. That's why dogs can handle your crying spell, sadness or grief much better than a horse can.

While we all hope to sail through life unscathed, the reality is that we do experience love and loss, cross country moves, job changes, divorce, serious illness and death. I believe that time is the greatest healer (and sometimes we need lots of it) but hopefully the ideas above will help some, too.

Energy

Most of you know my only child passed away recently. For days after, I purposely stayed away from horses I was actively working with because I knew my energy and emotions were all over the place. Horses are so intuitive, and I didn't want all the hard work spent establishing trust, confidence and respect wasted. I didn't want the horses to view me as unstable and incapable of leading them away from danger, if danger arose. It's been almost a month now, and I hope to soon go back and re-integrate myself into the "herd."

Since Colby passed, I have spoken at two therapeutic riding conferences and the horses there were noticeably more jumpy when I was near, than when I was not. I don't expect my emotions to level out immediately or automatically, but I do expect the horses to let me know how I am doing. They are a far better judge of where I am in the healing process than I am.

This is something we all need to remember. Our horses can immediately pick up on our mood and feelings. And they will react accordingly. Does that mean every time we have a bad day, we need to stay away from the barn? Of course not, but we should be aware of the energy and emotion we are projecting and alter our actions and interactions accordingly.

And horses aren't the only ones who pick up on wavering emotions. People do, too. We've all encountered someone our instincts told us not to trust, whom we felt for some reason was unstable. So if you are going through a hard time, for any reason, remember that while people are not as intuitive as horses, we do often pick up on the fact that someone is more emotional than usual. So adjust accordingly, take a deep breath, focus as best you can and you'll find that during times of crisis you'll get through with a lot more support from others than you might expect.

Change

As most of you know, my son Colby, age 23, passed away unexpectedly. He was my only child, my only close family member. Those following my blogs about Colby will now find them at colbykeegan.blogspot.com. I moved those blogs and accompanying comments for many reasons but mostly because I felt Colby deserved his own space. This space will still be for those looking for positive information, thoughts, leadership, success and horses. It will be good for me separate the two, and I will still blog daily about my struggles to regain my footing after Colby's death. Your comments and thoughts help so much, and I hope you will continue reading in the new location. I am a long way from being whole.

I am also working on a website, www.ColbyKeegan.info, that will be up (hopefully) in the next few days. This site will give more info on Colby, and also offer a forum for those who knew Colby to write stories about their times with him so all can share, read and heal. Plus, friends and I are starting a foundation called Colby's Army, Inc. that will finish work Colby could not complete here on Earth. I hope you'll check it out. We will grow slowly, but together, on Colby's behalf, we can affect positive change for the world.

The Kindness of Strangers

The kindness of strangers is amazing. A few weeks ago I locked my keys in my Ford pick-up at a gas station. This wasn't so bad except it was 95 degrees and my little dog, Abby, was inside. Abby is a Jack WaWa, a Jack Russell / Chihuahua mix, and weighs, on a good day, about ten pounds. She has many talents, but opening locked truck doors is not one of them. After calling several locksmiths who couldn't get to me for an hour or more I determined that there were at least ten other people in the area in the same situation. So, I decided to take more drastic measures.

I tried to force the back window open with no luck. Of course, a frantic woman scrambling around in the back of a pickup at a busy gas station draws attention, and several men wandered over. Two were truckers. One provided a coat hanger and the other moral support. Abby did her part by wagging her tail and barking, but I could also see that she was panting heavily and looked as worried as a Jack WaWa can possibly look.

After five minutes of unsuccessful coat-hanger wrangling I could see that the heat was getting to Abby. I had to get her out of there now! I had sent the truckers off in search of a hammer or a large rock so I could break a window when an old white Lincoln Continental pulled up in the bay next to me. An elderly gentleman eased himself out of the car and wandered over. After asking what the trouble was he calmly said he'd had the same thing happen to him a while back. Then he went back to his Lincoln, pulled his key out of the ignition and stuck it in the keyhole in my truck door.

I held my breath. He turned his wrist. Abby peered intently through the truck window. The truckers put their arms around my shoulders. . . . The lock clicked, the door opened and Abby fell into my arms.

Of course, I try to use every experience as a learning situation. So I now have a spare key hidden somewhere underneath the truck, and my back window will never be locked again. Does this leave me open to theft, both of the truck and its contents? Maybe. But I feel much safer knowing that I can get into my truck anytime day or night, anywhere, anyplace, whether my keys are in my ignition or in my hand. And I will never forget the kindness of strangers. Hopefully I will have th opportunity one day to help someone in similar circumstances.

Memorial Day

Happy Memorial Day! When I was a child Memorial Day was a big event. Growing up in a small town, there was always a Memorial Day parade followed by a community picnic in the park, and it was a wonderful time for the younger generation to hear stories about those who came before them.

As I got older, I either rode or drove my white Appaloosa mare, Snoqualmie, in the parade and we always had a great time. She seemed to think the people who were lined up on the sides of the street were there just to see her and she had a great time prancing slowly and respectfully for all her admirers.

Today, this day of national celebration seems either to be an excuse to not go to work, or, for some, another routine workday. I wonder how many people today know that memorial days began in ancient Greece more than 2,500 years ago when graves of local heroes were decorated with flowers. Some native cultures had similar days of remembrance long before that. Then, during the American Civil War, memorial days were celebrated in towns on both sides of the conflict. While the last Monday in May was first chosen as Memorial Day in 1868, it wasn't until 1971 that it officially became a national holiday to honor those who have died in our nation's service.

If you missed taking time with your family this Memorial Day to talk about friends and family who died serving our country, you don't have to wait until next year. Instead, do as the ancient Greeks did and choose a day, any day, when you can gather to talk and remember. Both you and the younger members of your family might just find something worth keeping.

Finding Your Passion

I'm often asked how I can find enough words to write a book. The thought of writing 70,000+ words is intimidating to many but for me it is as easy as breathing (well, almost). I speak regularly at writer's conferences and find so many "writers" agonize through the entire process. They are miserable. My thought here is if writing is so difficult, why do it? Maybe there is a better way to express yourself.

I understand the need to create, the compulsion to express, the fact that you have something to say. But this does not have to involve words. The creative process should be fun. It should refresh your heart and soul. It should be energizing. And there are so many ways other than writing to be expressive and creative. There is quilting, scrapbooking, music, art, crafting, dance, acting, speaking and a host of other activities that could be better suited to you than writing.

I love horses and I love to write about them and horse people. I especially enjoy being around books and writers, but if the writing process is not enjoyable for you, consider another activity. Life is short, but a creative effort can last forever--especially if it was created with happiness and love.

Bad Blogger

Okay, I admit it. I'm a bad blogger. First I had a computer crash and couldn't find my login info on my backup. Then I was traveling and then I had family commitments and then I was on deadline with two projects. Long story short, there's always a reason, but never a valid one. The real issue here is scheduling the time to do things that are important.

So many of the people I see at my equestrian and leadership clinics and seminars have the same problem. One tries to fit too much into the day and another has no plan at all. Neither accomplish everything they hoped to do.

The lack of blogging time made me reevaluate my time commitments and as busy as I am, I found a lot of things I didn't really have to do, and I found tasks that could be delegated to someone else. I also found more efficient ways of doing what I had to do. Not that I have a lot more time, but I do have a little. And sometimes a little is more than enough.

Winter Weather

Winter weather can be an adventure. While in Minnesota for the holidays we went from snow to wind chills of 40 below and colder, to more show, then (amazingly) 40 above, then rain, then ice, then snow, then more below zero temperatures. It can make travel iffy but you quickly learn to plan activities around the weather. When traveling by air, however, you are at the complete mercy of Mother Nature.

Just after the first of the year I flew from Nashville to Seattle. Or that was the plan. I was going to stay on Bainbridge Island for a week or so to work on a book. All was well until our plane neared Washington state and we learned that Seattle was having so much wind and snow that dozens of planes were already circling the airport waiting out the weather before they could land. Our plane had originated in San Antonio and had then stopped in Dallas and Birmingham before I boarded in Nashville. We did not have enough fuel to circle so we landed instead in Spokane. Lots of snow there, too. It was about 8:30 p.m. when we got to the gate and it was decided that, as it would be at least a few hours, that we could get of the plane and wander the airport for a while. That was wonderful except that none of the shops or restaurants were open and after just a handful of peanuts and a four hour flight, most of us were hungry. Imagine close to 700 stranded people from three different planes who were all starving and cranky.

As we were the third plane to land to wait out the storm, we were supposed to be the third plane out. But, as our flight crew was quickly running out of working hours, it was determined that if we didn't leave first, that our crew would have to be replaced. And, as there wasn't another full crew anywhere close to Spokane we'd end up delayed even longer. So we all got back on the plane (which was completely full) and flew to Seattle.

We were able to land fairly quickly but as all the planes that had been delayed by the storm were now at the gates, we had to sit on the tarmac for about 45 minutes. That made some people very angry, including a man sitting behind me who began loudly berating babies, fat people, airlines, businesses in general, and the government. As no one seemed to be listening to him he called his girlfriend and repeated the litany to her just as loudly and she did the right thing and promptly hung up. Well, this angered him further so he began cussing all of the above and added his now ex-girlfriend to the list. Flight attendants finally converged upon him and escorted him to the back of the plane where he sat out the remaining wait in the rear jump seat guarded by a male flight attendant.

A gate eventually was cleared for us but the 45 minute wait with the engines running had melted all the snow around our plane to ice and we were now stuck, so the pilot called for a tow vehicle. This created another 15 minute wait but we did get our plane towed to a gate. Now the problem was with the baggage handlers who were quite overwhelmed with all baggage from all the planes that had landed virtually at once. The 52 minute wait for my luggage was not too bad. At least I was out of the cramped seat and actually standing up.

By this time it was almost 1:00 a.m. To get to Bainbridge Island I had to take a 30 minute cab ride to the ferry and the last ferry was scheduled to leave at 2:10 a.m. So I hurried to the cab stand to find I was the 208th person in line. And, as most of the people in line were students returning from break, or military personnel headed to base, no one else seemed to be heading to the ferry. Rather than get stranded at the ferry station, my wonderful literary agent found a hotel room for me for the night and I ended up on the island the next afternoon.

I mention all this because, although I was very tired from all the delays, what could have been a horrible trip, had some unexpected perks. I met some great people, including a number of students who were excited about entering the job market and making a difference in our world. There were some very capable young military men who led me to believe we are very safe in their hands. I met several business people who were working on exciting new ideas in technology, science, teaching and medicine. So instead of being angry about delays that I could not control, I came away from the experience excited about the many people who are all working in their own small way to make our country and our world a better place. So next time you are delayed in your travels I hope you will take time to reach out to those around you. Get to know them and hopefully you will be as encouraged about life and our country as I was.

Books and Movies

It's not everyday a book you authored, or in this case, co-authored, gets turned into a movie. But recently that became a reality for me. The response to the Front of the Class movie that aired on CBS on Dec. 7 as a Hallmark Hall of Fame presentation has been overwhelming. As co-author of the book, my part in this was very small. However, I still received over 900 movie related emails and my web site was inundated with hits. It is very gratifying to know that the words Brad Cohen and I wrote about his inspiring life have touched and motivated so many people. It really is a wonderful feeling to know you made a positive difference in someone's life. Close to twelve million people watched the movie and I am sure many more will learn about Brad's wonderful message when the movie is rerun.

This is all importance for several reasons. 1) Brad is the kind of guy who believes his cup is overflowing, even though he has Tourette syndrome. In Brad’s words, never give up on your dream, no matter what, because if his dreams can come true, then yours can, too. 2) There were a lot of people who worked hard to make first the book, and now the movie, a success. So gathering a great team of people around you for support is important, no matter what your goals. 3) Never compromise on quality. Everything about Front of the Class, book and movie, has been first class, and I know everyone who has worked on the book or the movie is proud of their contribution.

Thanksgiving

So the turkey I cooked for Thanksgiving turned out okay even though the stove and oven caught on fire and I had to throw flour all over it. Thank goodness I had wrapped the turkey in tin foil because the nice fireman who came to my house said the chemical stuff they sprayed all over the stove and oven to be sure the fire was out probably wasn't good for the turkey. He also said the scorch marks on the walls might come out if I leave a baking soda paste on it overnight.

I learned something else new on Thanksgiving. You know those refridgerated dinner rolls you heat in the oven? They explode if you put them in the microwave.

It must be obvious by now that I am not a cook. I have tried and tried, but it is not something I do well, no matter how much thought and effort I put into it. For me it is a good reminder that we all have strengths and weaknesses and it is okay for a person to not do something well. That's because we each have many things we can do very well.

I think it is important to focus on the many things we each can do, rather than the few things we can't. And whenever I am reminded with firetrucks and smelly chemical foam that i am not a cook, I am filled with gratitude that I have food to cook and a home to cook it in. I may not have a stove to cook it on right now, but that is a temporary problem.

Here's hoping that during this holiday season eveyone finds many things they excel at, and even more things they are grateful for.

The Book Tour

A lot of people have asked what it is like being out on the road promoting a book. This might give you an idea:

Phone alarm rings at 5:00 a.m.
Spend three minutes trying to answer my shoe.
Throw shoe across room. Find phone. Turn alarm off.
Can’t remember where I am.
Have been in Birmingham, Houston, Dallas and Ft. Worth in the past three days.
Look at décor of room. Got it. Graham, Texas. Small town. Gave horse clinic yesterday.
Have 9:40 a.m. flight to Nashville. Airport more than two hours away.
Dress in business suit for author reception at book festival in Nashville later.
Can’t find shoe. At last locate it in wastebasket.
Stumble to very dark parking lot. Can’t remember where I parked truck.
Wander around in the dark. Trip over suitcase I left in middle of parking lot.
Land on tail bone and remember I am driving a rental.
Realize I am lying next to it, a black PT Cruiser.
Load luggage. Can’t figure out how to turn on headlights.
Oops, that’s the horn. Okay, got it.
Drive behind terminally slow trucks for first hour on two lane road on way to Love Field in Dallas.
Can’t remember how to get back to rental car lot.
Look for address on rental agreement.
Can’t find rental agreement.
Think booking agent might have it back in Graham.
Call agent at hotel and leave message.
See signs for airport.
Call agent again. Leave another message.
Call 411 for local rental info and get connected to national office.
National office can’t give directions or local number without rental agreement number.
Stop at convenience store to ask directions.
Witness robbery at convenience store. Probably not the best neighborhood.
Look at watch.
Flight leaves in less than an hour.
Go in and ask directions anyway.
Apparently no one speaks English here.
Drive around progressively worse neighborhood. Roll up windows.
Find kid on bike.
Give him a dollar to lead me to rental car office.
Office doesn’t want to take car back without lease agreement.
Finally get to airport. Sail through security. Amazing.
Get to gate 87 seconds before departure. Plenty of time.
Agent calls. Has lease agreement number.
Fall asleep on plane.
Wake up to realize I am snoring. Loudly.
Go back to sleep.
Wake up again. Find I have drooled down the front of my business suit.
Land in Nashville.
Stop by security on off chance someone turned in the watch I left in the security tray on my way out of Nashville three days prior.
Told to wait by post.
Fall asleep leaning against post.
Awake to hear whispers from people who apparently saw Channel 4 segment on my new book that aired while I was out of town.
“That is too her.”
I open one eye to look at them and they scurry off.
Miraculously, security agent arrives with watch.
WooHoo!
Get on shuttle to long term parking.
Can’t remember where truck is parked. Do realize I am looking for truck, not rental car.
Nice shuttle driver drives me all over lot.
Forty minutes later we find truck.
I thank driver with a hug.
Load luggage in truck. Truck will not start.
Use emergency call box at shuttle stop.
Look at watch.
One hour to author reception.
Try to repair hair, drool and makeup while waiting for help.
Nice man arrives with jumper cables.
Truck starts.
Head to author reception.
Late. Can’t find parking spot.
Wedge truck between a pillar and a Hummer.
Can’t get doors open.
Squeeze out back window.
Think positive thoughts as I walk four blocks to reception.
Take lots of deep breaths. Someone asks if I am hyperventilating.
Find reception.
Food is great! Meet several wonderful people.
Head home to start all over again the next day.

Best Laid Plans

I had plans for last week, work I was going to get done and friends I was going to see. Then my son had a car accident and everything changed. While he was not at fault and he generally was okay, his car was totaled. There was the towing company to deal with. And the insurance, both ours and the man who was at fault. Then there was the car rental company, medical appointments, and more insurance.

Something had to give and it was my original plans for the week. But you know what? It didn't matter. Sometimes you know what you have to do and it isn't at all what you thought you had to do. Especially when horses or kids are involved, life can change on the drop of a dime. We find ourselves operating on their time frame, not ours, and that isn't always a bad thing.

That's why when, four days after my son's accident, a car I was riding in was rear ended, it was okay. Yes, I had pressing job and career things to do, but you realize quickly that nothing in more important than your health. So if I am a little slower in meeting deadlines, it is because I am taking care of my stiff neck and back. That way I will be back to full strength sooner and can again work to full capacity.

When you have one of those instinctive moments, when you suddenly know your plans have to change, right now, I hope you will go with the flow and take care of the truly important things in life.

Adversity

Whether it is financial or health, I know several people who are going through some really hard times right now. You probably do as well. I find it interesting that some people come out of times like these stronger and better, while others seem to disintegrate under such pressure. Whenever adversity strikes me I try to stay positive and the following quotes sometimes help me. So I am posting them here, so that you may draw strength from them as well:

"Life is a continuous exercise in creative problem solving." Michael J. Gelb

"Life is either an adventure, or nothing." Helen Keller

"Expect the best, plan for the worst, and prepare to be surprised." Dennis Waitley

"The harder you work, the luckier you get." Gary Player

"Character is doing the right thing when nobody's looking." J.C. Watts

These and other favorite quotes of mine can be found in my book Success Within: How to Create the Greatest Moments of Your Life.

A horse I know recently had a health scare. She had to be confined to her stall for several days when she would much rather have been out with her friends in her pasture. And when this horse is not happy, she makes her feelings quite known. She will pin her ears, shake her head, bump up against her leader, etc. But although she was not happy, during this time, she was very cooperative. She knew the people around her were helping her and she did her best to help them help her.

This, to me, is handling adversity well. This little horse is one of the ones whom life's challenges makes better. It might not be a fun process, but you know better things await, so you do your best. And as long as you know in your heart that you are doing everything possible to make the situation better, you can feel good in knowing that in this particular situation, you were the best you that you could be.

Balance

Like a lot of people, I struggle with balance. Not the physical kind, but the kind that means taking time for yourself. When I get involved in a project, I eat, live and breathe is until it is done, so I have to force myself to take a walk, weed the garden, or play with the dog. These are all things I like to do, so it seems odd even to me that I have to force myself at certain times to fit it all in. Here's an idea I give to my clients that I realize I need to use myself:

Allot a certain amount of time each day for certain tasks. If I can only spend three hours on a project, then I quit when three hours are up and decide to feel glad for the amount of work that I got done. That way, for example, I can take 30 minutes to walk, 20 minutes to weed and 15 minutes to play.

For those of you with horses, this idea works better when you are not working with horses than when you are. That's because when a horse is involved, you have to work at least partially on the horse's time frame. If you want to work on bending, you are only going to get as much done as the horse is capable of. His expectations and yours may be completely different, so you are only going to go as fast or as slow as your equine partner will allow you to go.

So my goal for today is to balance productivity with realistic time frames for everything I do.

For more on these ideas, check out the books section of my web site.

Welcome!

Welcome to my new blog! I am a person who wears many hats, but most of my activities fall into the category of horses and personal success. I've been around horses all my life and still find it amazing how learning about horses can teach you about getting along with people. So if you are not a horse person but still want to improve your life, there is something here for you, too. For more of an introduction to me, my books and DVDs, and my speaking dates, check out my web site at

www.lisawysocky.com

or sign up for my monthly newsletter by sending an email to

lisainfo@comcast.net

You know, every day I choose the one thing for which I am most grateful and today it is the amount of quality work that has been coming to me lately. Many people know me as an equine trainer, riding instructor and clinician, and as a speaker for corporations and associations, but I also am a book editor. Recently I have been able to work with several up-and-coming authors and am so excited about their projects. It is premature for me to mention who they are, but at the appropriate time I will. I am finding great new friendships in these authors, and that is always exciting.

On the horse front, the other day I watched a horse roll. It is something I have observed many times, but this time I was struck by the total abandon in which horses roll in the dirt. Horses are completely unselfconscious when rolling, giving themselves into the moment and enjoying the experience thoroughly. How often do we humans take a moment like that for ourselves? So that's my goal for today, to take a few minutes to do something completely unexpected and fun, and to enjoy the process thoroughly.